capitalized

Today I can’t not feel capitalized. I think capitalized is a state of being.  The state of being capitalized feels like commuting and feels like 401(k)s for retirement. It feels like leaving college, getting an apartment and then another and then another and having stuff distributed throughout the country.  It feels like moving back home could never be an option. Its more like - while everything capitalizes around me, the me that makes me me minimizes.

I don’t want to own land, because how can I own earth. Who am I? I don’t want a car, I don’t want insurance. I don’t want to buy gas or oil. I don’t want to subsidize an industry that makes its business by trading money at the risk of my liability. I don’t want to travel over 30mph. I don’t want to give my ss number to anyone else.  I am grateful to be here, I am grateful for the food I eat.  But I can’t own this land or any for that matter.  I don’t want to go to the doctor, and I already said I don’t want insurance. But I don’t want to go to the doctor because I don’t want someone telling me what’s wrong with me. Because no doctor will tell me that the water I am drinking might contain trace amounts of pharmaceuticals because current water filtration standards don’t yet account for the presence of those chemicals. (Its premature, they don’t know what the effects of that can be, so it can’t be regulated.)  And because no doctor would tell me to use tea tree oil as an antiseptic, or that the elixir drunk by Hippocrates himself was hot water, apple cider vinegar, and honey.

I feel capitalized because of common office practices.  Office culture and convention is repressive and regressive, oppressive and aggressive.

I feel ‘capitalized’ because I don’t want to support corporate misbehavior. I don’t want an email address from a corporation that follows non-disclosure policies when it comes to political giving. So I will banish my gmail address and then I will write to all the people I usually send instant communication to and tell them I will no longer be using gmail. I will tell them I will be henceforth sending hard copies of my correspondence to their physical addresses. But, the mail travels – by air, truck, or rail (yeah right, not these days). I don’t want my mail to leave a carbon trail. I can’t send my correspondence, it seems, without compromising a variety of standards that I value.

A broader question could be what compels me to stay in touch with people scattered all over, but not become directly involved with my neighborhood.  I see this as a temporary living situation, so my commitment to engaging in this community does not exist. I don’t like feeling disconnected to the community in which I live. I feel capitalized because I came to California to realize that being capitalized means following the gold trail to get what you need and then to get out.

Response to Guernica Magazines interview with Michelle RheeRhee

Comment posted on 1/16/12

As an activist and former educator, I'd like to state my firm disappointment in this article. The take-aways I gained are: if you are in the low-income bracket, dream bigger; if you are in the higher-income bracket, dream bigger. I found no value in this diatribe of inadequacy. How do we expect schools to perform better and, simultaneously, ignore influencing factors of culture, economy and society.

Education is our microcosm that reflects our current stall out as a country. Our greatest opportunity in recent history to date lies in how we act to reform education. How we educate young people now, will shape our society's trajectory into 2100.

There is a fundamental problem with our education system. The problem is with how the conversation is being shaped. If our expectations are set at being better than, an inherent hierarchy emerges. Hierarchical order has prevailed through the inception of our current education system with the emphasis on surpassing expectations measured by a constructed value scale.  It seems that if our highest performing students are still considered under-performing in the international spectrum, then the default solution should not be more of the same.

With our greatest opportunity to reshape our current trajectory, I am optimistic because there are educators working every day to make certain that all of their students learn that there is no such thing as 'less than.'  I am optimistic because its evident that the current way of evaluating the education system and the education system itself will most certainly become an archaic relic.

The pain in my back

The pain in my back feels like the children’s story I haven’t finished

It feels like dishonesty and the very root of me that I’m most afraid of owning

It feels like there’s no use standing because it hurts too much to keep it up

It feels like the more I stretch, the more hurt spreads to other places in my body

It feels like I have to keep reminding myself to engage my stomach muscles to help my back carry the load of my body.

My bones have been carrying me around for over 30 years

            And they need some greasing.

I’m holding on tight to this tension

            Once I let go my focus will shift elsewhere.

I’m having trouble adapting and going with the flow,

            Following the path of least resistance.

My back hurts most when I reflect on habits of mine

            I wish I didn’t have.

Stay Strong #Occupyyourheart

We as a nation have been at war for almost 10 years. With times of war, our foreign policy is on the offensive to articulate our national needs and will.  Meanwhile back in the US, every individual in this country embodies the effects of the violence perpetuated to maintain US dominance over the rest of the world.  The higher up in the socio-economic strata, the more material possessions are used to guard against the personal responsibility to global humanity as a whole.  Individuals are encouraged to represent notions of superiority, happiness, and fulfillment with their consumer choices.

As the world economy continues to suffer at the hands of derivative bundling schemes that are crashing, the wealthy class scrambles that much harder to justify their lifestyles of excess in the face of economic crisis.  The ones without are experiencing trauma from desperately trying to to fulfill a broken dream in a country that isn't valuing the majority of their citizen base.

The 99% are TIRED OF BEING LEFT OUT, TIRED OF BEING USED, TIRED OF BEING USED UP AND DISCARDED AS IF NON-HUMAN. THE ECONOMIC TRAUMA OF THIS COUNTRY STOPS NOW!!!

Science Tarot Exercise

Yesterday, I read my tarot cards for myself, for the first time. This is what I did: I shuffled the Science Tarot deck, I cut the deck twice, I spread the deck. I chose three cards. I flipped over each card, right to left, looked at the image and wrote down what the image feels like. One at a time. Then looked at all the cards together and wrote down how they all made me feel. My three cards were: Supernova; Reductionism; Relativity. I wrote down a bunch of words and thoughts for each card and when I put them all together left to right it became:

Relativity, Reductionism Relativity.
Some times I feel in motion caught in balanced coordination - Seeking perspective to the context of my truth delayed the gateway to weightless transcendence, I am brought back to the basics.  Slowing my linear thinking, dry to the touch - I measure with great clarity.  This I learned: the mundane, of the world, purposeful deeds will continue with love.  Exciting, yes! Buzzing chaos!! generating warmth for the uncertain nexus.  Sensing instability, and supernova potential - Love erupts.

Godard meets Woody Allen

It feels reckless and out of control, but it won't always...

We’re driving across a bridge. Its snowing wildly. A white out of snowflakes impedes all visibility.  We’re crossing a bridge and we can barely see our hands in front of our faces.  But the driver is telling us that we can make it! We need to just trust that the driver knows how to drive in extreme weather conditions.  Extreme weather conditions can freeze blocks of ice onto your windshield wipers. When the wipers stop working, that’s your cue, as the passenger, to put your head out the window and assist the driver.  You look down ahead of the car and make sure the car stays in the lane.  Hopefully there’s not too much snow covering the paint.  Even if you can’t see the line, you can see the car tracks ahead of you and you can help the driver stay on the road.  This usually happens at the height of darkness, new moon time, but it wouldn’t matter anyway because it’s a snowstorm and clouds are covering the sky. Dark and snowy, limited visibility on a bridge, freezing cold weather and dangerous driving conditions is how it feels right now in 2011.  Its hard sitting in the backseat without all my muscles shivering to: fight off the fear of crashing; shake off the cold air streaming through the car; keep me present in the moment.  Everything that begins, also ends. It always stops snowing, and driving conditions become less hazardous.  The moon shines.  We’re not always able to realize, though, that while our head’s are sticking out of the car in the snowy night helping the driver, we’re actually just being reckless. It is ok to pull over, to wait it out, to let it snow.  It is ok to not be in control of everything.  However, it is not ok to pull over on a bridge. Thus making 2011, equally reckless and out of control.