Last day of summer vacation

Today is Labor Day. I started my summer vacation 68 days ago, hopping on a train heading north. Exactly one week ago, I said matter-of-factly that, ‘Next Tuesday will be the official end of my summer vacation.’ I declared this with dwindling savings, a summer of art projects, no job, and no notion of potential paying opportunities.  Articulating the intention to close this chapter so clearly, propelled the domino effect of positive reinforcement that I, in fact, am doing everything exactly the way it is meant. Such reassurance is empowering and enlivening. 

Three interviews, two definite positions. One rejection with the door closing but the window opened a crack. ‘I’d like to stay in touch so that if there is a good fit we can work out how you’d be brought into the picture.’ Absolutely.  The last week of summer and I secured two paying jobs.  A couple more weeks and I might have had to make some decisions. I have a cat for crying out loud, I mean tough decisions.

I woke up on my last day of summer vacation to Ilan crawling out of bed. Ever since I needed a place to crash when we would go out late at night in high school and I would not have survived coming home that late, we’d slept in the same bed.  We’ve known each other 16 years. My soul brother. He visited for the long weekend. He is the window into my testy, Chris Farley-loving, poke-ya-till-it-hurts side.  He left at 10am, I could have slept until noon but instead I laid on my bed and decided to build anxiety around the fact that I’m taking a significant pay cut and have to find a more modest living situation.  I have student loans. I need to scale back.

So I fretted, my head at the foot of the bed, twisting my back to stretch. My mind chatter screeched to a halt. I will make it work.  I have chosen this path, I have chosen to work with kids again, I will make it work. I realized that I would rather work and enjoy my work life rather than work for spending money to do things that I’ll enjoy outside of a work situation that I don’t want to be in the first place.  I decided to be happy with what I have right now, right in front of me.

My job is to focus on doing the best I can as a leader. I think what happened was that I began projecting my fear of not having enough monetarily on the quality of my performance for the kids I’ll be teaching.  Meaning that I know initially I’m going to be hustling to figure out how to afford moving, a new apartment, my student loans, eating…a whole new budget to figure out because I’m completely switching gears.  And so knowing that this initial phase of my transition will take some savvy money management, I was fretting about compounding that with the fact that I would have to lesson plan and prepare for my teaching gig, that likely I won’t be paid for this preparatory work, and weighing the value of my time against these facts.  Should I get a job to maintain the level of comfortability I’ve come to know -working in an office like my degree has so aptly trained me, being the highly functional management material that I am?  Or should I take jobs to fulfill separate interests that which I’m inclined and have never previously pursued?

Instead of building anxiety around not having enough, I’m building excitement for meeting the new people I’ll be working with and the new children I’m going to instruct.  I think being connected to the children in a community is the most direct way to feel the pulse of the people as a whole.  They mirror all the good and the difficult stuff that surrounds them.  That’s why its so rewarding and so terribly hard sometimes.  I remembered that there is a reason I want to be around children again and there are steps along the process that need to be taken to build a foundation for a career in education. I’m working those steps. I’m really excited for this next phase to start.  Summer Vacation ’10 was one for the ages.  Its so gratifying to know how much I’ve seen and how much it all seems to stay connected.